My little baby..

I was looking back on some of my old posts and realize that there are many that have to do with losing weight. HA! Lot of good it did me. My belly is now bigger than it has ever been my entire life. I wear more stretchy material than ever before. I have developed more stretch marks on my tummy in one or two months than anywhere else on my body in my entire life. And it is awesome. Because I am pregnant. I thought I was doomed to a life of being barren, but surprise, surprise! In a couple of months I am going to be a mommy and it is the strangest thought I have ever had to comprehend, now that it is actually happening.
This little girl developing in my belly is soon to be a sweet little angel in my arms. I can feel her rolling around in my belly as I type. Such a strange feeling! I can't wait to see her little face!

Epic Fail

Weight watchers and calorie counting. Yoga and exercise. Why do I even bother? I just cant do it. I can be pretty successful with things and I have the ability to push through some things that are very difficult, but control my eating habits and force exercise? Why is this so difficult? It is a good thing that I never picked up habits such as drinking or smoking or drugs, because I think I have an addictive personality and it would have ended up badly.

Well, thats all Ive got for today. Hooray for food addiction.

Side thought.... could this potentially be a subject worthy of considering in a temple recommend interview? Kidding.... sort of... :/

Things that make life actually FEEL good

Weight watchers is not going so well. I have been really bad at keeping track of my points. Though I am very conscious about how much I am eating, I too often disregard an inward plea with myself to stop, and just keep on going. I am happy to say that I am picking the slack back up and writing down my points again. Five points for a breakfast of an egg scrambled with half a red potato, spinach, scallions, and sun-dried tomatoes. That leaves me with 25 points for the rest of the day.

To help me along this slow weight loss process, I have started doing Yoga. There are two Yoga videos on Netflix instance watch that I have been taking advantage of over the past week and a half. Already there are noticeable differences in my life due to the Yoga. Flexibility is underrated.

And the most exciting thing going on in my life right now....... vanilla beans! That may not sound very exciting to anyone else, but I am way excited. First of all, I pretty much got a steal deal on 20 beans. Only 10 dollars on topvanilla.com. Now I am in the process of making vanilla extract and vanilla sugar. Last night I made a vanilla bean cheesecake, and I let a cut up bean soak in a jar of milk over night and now I have vanilla flavored milk! Its so awesome! I have 6 beans left so whats next? Vanilla ice-cream? Sounds good to me!

Social anxieties: communicating with the opposite sex

When I first got married, I shut off a lot of communication with guy friends. I dont want to be that type of girl with questionable standards. And Im pretty sure Im not or ever was that type of girl. I think I do pretty well at not being that type of girl. Part of it is consciously avoiding doing things that can lead to becoming that type of girl, but mostly it is instinctual. There are some involuntary actions I take when dealing with the opposite sex. The major one is avoiding prolonged eye contact with men besides Leonard. This is not true for ALL men, mostly just ones that are married whose wives are nearby, ones with girl friends who are nearby, or when Leonard is around I dont pay too close attention to other men.
This is not something I try to do. It happens naturally. Being who I am, I of course have to analyse myself and this is what I have come up with. Due to the fact that people cheat on their spouses frequently, that people try to get people to cheat on their spouses with them, and that both the aforementioned have happened in my family and has literally ripped it apart in several places, I dont trust people very well. And that could include myself. I trust that if I am not careful, I could become one of the aforementioned. I consider myself a very trustworthy person. I am not a saint when it comes to honesty, but I am more honest than most people I have ever met. In  order for others to trust me as well as I think they should, I do my best not to give them any reasons not to trust me, especially when it comes to relationships. I dont want anyone's spouse or girlfriend to ever have any reason to suspect that I have any kind of desire for physical intimacy with their partner. I dont ever want Leonard to feel like he cant trust me or to feel like he is less of a person because he thinks I have feelings for someone else.
I think that it is a noble thing for anyone to wish this of themselves, but I wonder if I take it too far or that I am hard on myself. Maybe I am just a little too paranoid because of the things that have happened in my family. The thought of something like that happening to me or happening to some one else because of me terrifies me to the point of anxiety. I really do start having anxiety if I have a one-on-one conversation with another man and it starts to exceed the time frame of what is "appropriate". I dont even know how long "appropriate" is, but there seems to be some kind of biological timer in me that tells me its time to wrap it up.
I want to let myself loosen up a little, but it is really difficult. Some of this anxiety mixes up with my general social anxiety and then I am just a mess. At least I can step outside myself and take a look at whats going on inside my head. Thats either the thing that will keep me sane, or drive me mad.

Losing Weight Already?

I decided to change my font to make it easier for reading. I really like Courier New for blogging, but even in bold its difficult to see against my visually striking background, which is photo of a painting if mine. And so I have converted over to Georgia.

     

     Weight Watcher update: yesterday I probably went over my points but... I dont even know. I ate a home made omelet for breakfast with a glass of milk equaling about 10 points. Then after running around all day in the heat with no air conditioning, Leonard and I treated ourselves to a BBQ salad with pulled pork at Tom's BBQ, which we shared. Then once we arrived home after driving back and forth from the reservation to Mesa and Chandler, I grilled up some chicken that I had been marinating and made some Thai spiced vegetables and ate a healthy serving of it. Maybe I didn't go over my points because vegetables are free. The portions of meat were a little bit larger than I maybe should have had. Either way, according to the scale this morning after I ate leftover Thai veggies for breakfast, I weigh about 4 lbs. less than I did yesterday. Water weight? Maybe. I will probably be back up where I was by the end of the night. And by the way, the chicken was SO good. I think Im getting a knack for grilling. Next time Ill make a note of my recipe and put it on my cooking blog.

     I've also been thinking about making a family blog where the admins are my mom and sisters. That way we can have our own place to keep up with each other rather than weeding through the news feeds on facebook. 

Weight Watchers.

Ive realized that my blog is difficult to read because of the background and the font color. To anyone who traipses into my blog, I apologize, but I do like my background. Ill fix it later.

I have yet to figure out what to blog about, so I will just blog about myself. I have begun weight watchers. It has been three days of trying to eat only 29 points each day. Today I am hungry but afraid to eat because I dont want to go over my points. I am supposed to eat whenever I am hungry, but everything I want to eat will cost me points (fruits and veggies are free, and I already ate a nectarine). I can see how this can turn into a slippery slope that  slides right into anorexia, for some people. I dont think I could ever go that far. It is hard enough keeping myself from going to the cupboard and gorging on goldfish crackers. I could at any moment break and go for it. I just hope I can go through with this long enough to see some results. Good results. So far, I have a headache. I could go eat some of those crackers. A small handful would only be 2 points, but those points add up fast. What if I want to come home and have a larger dinner? If so, I would be thinking "Dang! I knew I shouldnt have eaten those crackers!"

It wouldnt be that big of a deal, but my mom goes crazy on me every time I cheat the system even a tiny bit. Its helpful to have that kind of.... encouragement... but it also makes me feel kind of bad. Unpositive. Negative.

Anyhow, I guess I will just keep posting on here to update about my progress. That will probably help me.

My amazing feat

Today I made peanut butter fudge to take to the people I visit teach because I was feeling daring. It took me all day to get around to making it, then I went grocery shopping while it set, and it was wrapped and ready to go by about 8:05.

You may be asking yourself "why is this such an amazing feat?" and I will tell you. I have been afraid to socialize with ANYONE other than family for the past year (at least), and even while driving to their houses which were in my neighborhood, I was deep down trying to talk myself out of it. Silly, huh? Part of me thinks I waited so late to get it done was so that I would have an excuse to just stay home.

But now that I actually reached out I feel much better about myself, even if it was only a 30 minute trip altogether.