When I first got married, I shut off a lot of communication with guy friends. I dont want to be that type of girl with questionable standards. And Im pretty sure Im not or ever was that type of girl. I think I do pretty well at not being that type of girl. Part of it is consciously avoiding doing things that can lead to becoming that type of girl, but mostly it is instinctual. There are some involuntary actions I take when dealing with the opposite sex. The major one is avoiding prolonged eye contact with men besides Leonard. This is not true for ALL men, mostly just ones that are married whose wives are nearby, ones with girl friends who are nearby, or when Leonard is around I dont pay too close attention to other men.
This is not something I try to do. It happens naturally. Being who I am, I of course have to analyse myself and this is what I have come up with. Due to the fact that people cheat on their spouses frequently, that people try to get people to cheat on their spouses with them, and that both the aforementioned have happened in my family and has literally ripped it apart in several places, I dont trust people very well. And that could include myself. I trust that if I am not careful, I could become one of the aforementioned. I consider myself a very trustworthy person. I am not a saint when it comes to honesty, but I am more honest than most people I have ever met. In order for others to trust me as well as I think they should, I do my best not to give them any reasons not to trust me, especially when it comes to relationships. I dont want anyone's spouse or girlfriend to ever have any reason to suspect that I have any kind of desire for physical intimacy with their partner. I dont ever want Leonard to feel like he cant trust me or to feel like he is less of a person because he thinks I have feelings for someone else.
I think that it is a noble thing for anyone to wish this of themselves, but I wonder if I take it too far or that I am hard on myself. Maybe I am just a little too paranoid because of the things that have happened in my family. The thought of something like that happening to me or happening to some one else because of me terrifies me to the point of anxiety. I really do start having anxiety if I have a one-on-one conversation with another man and it starts to exceed the time frame of what is "appropriate". I dont even know how long "appropriate" is, but there seems to be some kind of biological timer in me that tells me its time to wrap it up.
I want to let myself loosen up a little, but it is really difficult. Some of this anxiety mixes up with my general social anxiety and then I am just a mess. At least I can step outside myself and take a look at whats going on inside my head. Thats either the thing that will keep me sane, or drive me mad.
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